May death be thy vehicle....

I know that pain is the mother of poetry

“If I meet death on my way, My Lord!

Give my limbs the strength to crawl to your temple.

So that I may lay my head on thy feet.

And breathe my last.

If I meet death on my way, My Lord!

May a cobbler find my body

And convert my skin into foot wear,

For a devotee to wear and walk to thy temple.

If I meet death on my way, My Lord

Make my soul shed my body,

Near a hospital of eyes

And my sight be transferred to a blind boy to see thee through my eyes.

If I meet death on my way, My Lord

May I fall near a colony of poor,

Strip me off my belongings through their hands,

And their children, who are thy messengers, thy angels,

Be fed, be dressed.

If I meet death on my way, My Lord

Thrash my body into pieces, turn it into ashes, and spread them all over,

Let them embrace thy creation, thy beautiful creation.

But before you make many out of me,

May I ask you a favor?

For a moment if you can,

Hold my heart in your hands,

And feel how much

My heart, wounded in thousand ways and disowned by every soul,

Longed for you, wept for you, all my life.”

A poetry whose quality I am not very sure of but I feel a little relieved.
Urdu poetry that I am listening to, teaches me how to cherish pain, and love it as my most precious possession. I don’t have much to say today. Don’t feel like reading Gitanjali either. Just feel like withdrawing myself like a snail. Bye my sweet self.

Face to face with the Lord

Sunday the 17^th April 2005

I got up at 7.30 today and some how got stuck to the computer after my breakfast. I spent hours learning the operation of digital camera and finally was able to use it with much proficiency. In the evening, I went with Baba and Aparna to Pedne. It was a visit to Nadkarni estate. I clicked a few good snaps. Today the camera was my sweetheart. I carried it all over. End of the day was sweet as I went with Shobha’s family for dinner in Green Park. Aparna got her A grade certificates in counselling and guidance. And a long struggle against injustice finally came to a sweet end.

Where is my Gitanjali? Ohhh here she is. She is my mother talking the poetical form.

“I ask for a moment's indulgence to sit by thy side. The works that I have in hand I will finish afterwards.

Away from the sight of thy face my heart knows no rest nor respite, and my work becomes an endless toil in a shoreless sea of toil.

Today the summer has come at my window with its sighs and murmurs; and the bees are plying their minstrelsy at the court of the flowering grove.

Now it is time to sit quite, face to face with thee, and to sing dedication of live in this silent and overflowing leisure.”

Life without love for the lord is useless .Lord’s love is the sweetest thing that can happen to a human being. It’s nectar whose thirst just goes on increasing as you drink it. I want more and more of it in my life.Tagorji you were a saint. I now feel like bringing your huge portrait and keeping it in my room so that I can sit at your feet and learn , How to live.

Love of my life

Saturday the 16^th April 16, 2005

Finally the moment that I was waiting for, has come. My camera has arrived. And as I am just learning how to use it with it’s multiplicity of functions, I get excited with the options that it provides. For the next few days I may even sleep with the camera. I shall capture the whole world in my camera, process the pictures, shoot movies and clips and lots and lots more.

Today, I had a long chat with my friend . We spoke so eagerly about many things. She has injected into me this desire to go to the society and offer some help to the needy. I feel the central thing in living a good life is giving and serving. Service and sacrifice have lots of joy and happiness in store for those who perform them. More so without any expectation. No wonder today my heart is filled with a feeling of gratitude towards the society and I feel like I should now give something back.

“Life of my life, I shall ever try to keep my body pure, knowing that thy living touch is upon all my limbs.

I shall ever try to keep all untruths out from my thoughts, knowing that thou art that truth which has kindled the light of reason in my mind.

I shall ever try to drive all evils away from my heart and keep my love in flower, knowing that thou hast thy seat in the inmost shrine of my heart.

And it shall be my endeavor to reveal thee in my actions, knowing it is thy power gives me strength to act.”

This body is thy temple oh lord and I, thy worshipper. It’s my holy duty to keep this temple clean and pleasant. So that you may feel ever happy to be in my temple. Cause if you choose to leave my temple, I would lose the greatest opportunity that you have ever given me, the opportunity of human birth.

Bye buddy. Remember life is full of surprises and most of them aren’t good. Face them, take them as challenges and be a warrior.

You say it best when you say nothing at all.

15^th April 2005

You say it best when you say nothing at all. I love this Boy Zone lyrics. This is more in tune with Indian culture. In the west, people express themselves so explicitly. One hardly finds an Indian husband saying “I love you” to his wife. But he does say it non- verbally in so many ways. I never heard my father saying that to my mother. I remember an Indian woman who served her husband considering him her lord. In the final few moments of her life she asked her husband to let her sleep on his lap and breathe her last. What great culture is this. I feel words tend to grossify feelings. Feelings are best expressed through non- verbal expressions, through eyes, smiles and tears.

I gave my car for fitting a CD stereo . My long standing dream will come true today evening. I am also happy that I woke up early as I had decided earlier and meditated for about 45 mins. Fulfilling one’s resolutions feels good.

Gitanjali time again

“I know not how thou singest, my master! I ever listen in silent amazement.

The light of thy music illumines the world. The life breath of thy music runs from sky to sky. The holy stream of thy music breaks through all stony obstacles and rushes on.

My heart longs to join in thy song, but vainly struggles for a voice. I would speak, but speech breaks not into song, and I cry out baffled. Ah, thou hast made my heart captive in the endless meshes of thy music, my master!”

All music comes from the Lord. This whole world is infact his manifestation. No doubt we struggle in vain for voice. But the voice has to be granted by him. Only then will it merge into his. Till then it’s just a baffled cry. Yet the charm of his music will ever pull us towards him.

Rising up again

14^th April 2005, Wednesday

I can feel some sprinklings of joy and excitement in my life now, as I have finally decided to buy a high class DSC P100 Sony digital camera and a class I Pioneer car stereo with a facility to play all the mp3 formats. I can now make my travel much more enjoyable as I’ll get to listen to the kind of songs that I like .Specially country music. As I travel I can take some halts and take some pictures and send them to my online albums so that my friends can see them. I am also thinking of making some learning media aids for manufacturing process. So lots of good times to come.

I think I should proactively try to rejuvenate my relations and friendships. I hope there is a lot to share and care, with out becoming over expectant and demanding. I think I should work towards making friendships a truly fulfilling ones.

Thinking of Gitanjali again. I think these bunch of poems are going to guide me through my tough times. Considering my nature to get impressed very soon, I hope I don’t end up visiting Shanti Niketan

“When thou commandest me to sing it seems that my heart would break with pride; and I look to thy face, and tears come to my eyes.

All that is harsh and dissonant in my life melts into one sweet harmony---and my adoration spreads wings like a glad bird on its flight across the sea.

I know thou takest pleasure in my singing. I know that only as a singer I come before thy presence.

I touch by the edge of the far-spreading wing of my song thy feet which I could never aspire to reach.

Drunk with the joy of singing I forget myself and call thee friend who art my lord”

I liked the last two stanzas. Poetry and music can take one closer to God .I have myself experienced this divine feeling when my poem was born. The feeling is great as now my first album is going to be released. I could never think of achieving this feat. Though I always knew I had musical talent I had never imagined that I would one day compose music and the likes of Milind Ingle would sing my songs.

I just pray to God to keep me in such creative moods for longer periods of time. The feeling of oneness with something higher is ever so addicting.

Thou hast made me endless..

Wednesday the 13^th april 2005

Just thought of reading GITANJALI. It always gives me solace .

“Thou hast made me endless, such is thy pleasure. This frail vessel thou emptiest again and again, and fillest it ever with fresh life.

This little flute of a reed thou hast carried over hills and dales, and hast breathed through it melodies eternally new.

At the immortal touch of thy hands my little heart loses its limits in joy and gives birth to utterance ineffable.

Thy infinite gifts come to me only on these very small hands of mine. Ages pass, and still thou pourest, and still there is room to fill.”

Wonderful Indeed are these words. I think if we can consider and feel ourselves as the instruments in the hands of the lord, we will be freed from all pains and sufferings. Life then becomes a divine song in itself. There is no one as beautiful as the Lord. There is no one as praiseworthy as the Lord. And singing Lord’s glories gives me immense joy and satisfaction.

Visit to Pig Iron Plant

Tuesday the 12^th April

This day was very eventful. Though I reached late for lecture, the lecture was good. Indeed good preparation for lecture can give profound satisfaction during the lecture. Infact, I should now think of laying maximum stress on effectiveness in lecture as it gives immense professional satisfaction. It is also quite nice to see the students satisfied and with sparks in their eyes.

We than went for a field visit to SEZA GOA Pig Iron Plant. I visited the plant for the first time. I had never ever imagined such gigantic furnaces, boilers, turbines and DG sets. It was a wonderful experience.

Oflate the tolerance and gentleness is getting evaporated out of my personality. I seem to use the weapons of words very effectively and from within I feel I am just being common. I am getting stripped off my pseudo spirituality. I may now realize how common a man I am and perhaps true spiritual practice will start from there.

I came home early and slept for about 3 hours and then went with aparna for shopping.